The ultimate never hearing back from someone you are texting is the crushing realities of dating in your twenties. Yes It’s sucks and yes it’s yet another form of rejection. But it’s something we’ve all had done to us and maybe even done a couple of times ourselves.
I think now we have so many ways to connect and communicate with each other that we worry when someone doesn’t respond to us that we’re ultimately being ghosted by the person. Everything is so instant so we expect that when it comes to speaking to someone over text.
I think that’s where we struggle when someone starts to ghost us. We miss that constant communication with someone. Sometimes it becomes that you’re not missing the person you’re missing the conversation. You miss having that person to talk to.
In the post I’m mainly focusing on ghosting by the person you’ve had a connection with, the person you’ve spent some time with before. Not someone you’ve spoke to for a night on a dating app because that shit happens daily..
Being ghosted by the person you’re interested in sucks and it leads to the what the hell did I do wrong questions you end up asking yourself. You let your guard down, you begin to let someone in. You build a connection with the person and they just walk away. Asking yourself why did they stop speaking or why aren’t they interested anymore? Leaving you completely blindsided. Questioning what you did wrong when in truth you probably haven’t done anything wrong in the slightest. Well I mean unless you did something terrible to the person then that’s all on you. But 70% of the time you’re left wondering why?
I think as women we’ve had it ingrained in us that you don’t hear back from him within a day or so he’s ghosting you, he’s not interested. He doesn’t call you back, he disappears off the face of the earth. We get told he’s just not that into you. Then We start to think we’ve done something wrong. We jump to conclusions. I will admit I have done that in the past, automatically assumed he wasn’t ghosting me just because he hadn’t text me back. 50% of the time this was the case the other 50% I cringed at how idiotic I’d been jumping to conclusions.
But I’ve learned over the years and from going through different dating relationships that I don’t want a guy texting me every five minutes. I also don’t need to be speaking to the guy every single day either. We all have busy lives, so why do we expect a guy to be texting back every five minutes? I remember reading something once and the girl said I’m glad he’s not texting back every 5 minutes because it shows he’s busy living his life he’s not glued to his phone.
What I’m saying is there needs to be a balance sometimes it’s fine to be constant back and forth. When you’re in the middle of a conversation in that moment and then there’s other times where you don’t need a response right away. This is where the ghosting lines begin to blur you can have that relationship where you don’t speak all the time but know that you’ll hear from the person soon. You can also have a relationship where you are constantly back and forth with each other, it’s when that type of relationship ends that you start to panic that you’re being ghosted.
The thing is we’ve all done it and we’ve all had it done to us too.
Being honest I’ve done it to guys in the past and i’m not proud of that. These were cases where it was guys who I’d spoke to through a dating apps and not actually met yet. Which I think is something that happens of both sides a lot. In this case being ghosted or having no response isn’t as big a deal or as hurtful as it would be when its coming from someone you’re met, spent time with, had a connection with and genuinely liked.
I think we need to all get better at being honest with each other. A simple text or message saying something like “we had fun, I think you’re great but I just don’t see it going any further between us.” That’s all you have to say and yes it will be hard to hear at first and it still sucks being let down. But at least this way you’re laying it out for them that you don’t see it going further. You’re not hurting their feelings, you’re not nit picking on the things you don’t like about the person and you’re not leaving them wondering what went wrong.
I think we all have to remember sometimes it’s not about us and yes its the whole it’s not you it’s me thing but sometimes that is the case. It is about them and their own insecurities or their fears of getting into something they don’t really want and instead of hurting the person’s feelings they find it easier to just cut off all contact.
In her book Girl Logic Iliza Shlesinger lays out her Rules for Text-Ghosting which I think is very apt and accurate for today’s post. So her rules for ghosting are…
Rule 1 – You can’t ghost if you’ve been out more than twice in two weeks. A bond has been established, you liked each other enough to give it another go – Basically They deserve you to give them a goodbye text.
Rule 2 – You can’t ghost if you’ve slept with them beyond the first date.
Rule 3 – You can’t ghost if you’re in the middle of a conversation. Have the decency to at least finish the conversation first.
I think these rules are fair, they are also socially decent and what any decent human would do in these situations. Well you’d think.. I mean I’ve had a guy stop replying mid conversation. It doesn’t make any sense to be chatting away one minute then 5 minutes laters you never hear from them again.. Everyone deserves some decency especially if you’ve went as far as sleeping with the person.
It got me thinking about how as much as ghosting sucks and can hurt at the time. There are certain approaches and timing that makes it hurt a little less. Let’s face it being rejected or ghosted is never going to be easy. But it shows that they weren’t worth it after all and you’re probably better off without them. So when they ultimately disappear never contacting you again don’t worry about too much about it because it’s probably not you. And let’s face it you will probably see them again only in your viewer section of your Instagram story. Because they maybe don’t want to text you back but they sure as shit want to see everything you post on instagram.